Historically, they’ve said “home is where the heart is”… but when one of those “hearts” is so close to you, and it suddenly stops… in my case, it threw everything I’d ever been “taught” into question, so early on. In hindsight I look at these past instances experientially, considering only what I took from them psychologically… not necessarily considering what was there to damage me on all sides emotionally or socially. By my early teens, “kickin’ it” with an older crowd became instinctual. It was necessary… my sudden situation required abrupt adaptation to, and of, many things.

These weren’t just instant “exposures” to my real home situation, coupled with a need to escape it. My own scenario had me fitting in with an older, more empathetically-capable crowd, instantly. It was fun, careless, self-destructive, somehow emotionally “educational” & productive throughout… while carrying me into manhood, maturity, accountability, responsibility, professionalism & most importantly, wisdom. By the time true independence was upon me, I’d everything I needed within.

I never anticipated responsibility enlightening me so much more on what it truly takes, in so many more ways.

I’m not going to name names, cite locations, specify timeframes or give “clues”… to who or where my “education” can be accredited to. Rather, the sum of my lessons is what’s most relevant, foregoing rigid details of each “lesson plan.” Nothing needs to be linearly laid-out. Rather, most relevantly, the totality of all “problems” in each event is important to detail. A planned, mapped-out path through a lonely route can make all the difference. Ultimately, the plan to resolve your hardships will fall upon your ability to plan strategically & execute with urgency… if even, at once. All the pressures I’ve multi-angularly had to endure, deflect & resolve as I proceeded on my own route… and it’s taught me. Your only limits while here are the ones you give yourself.

Via one woman, an eight-year run offered multiple women, responsibilities for bastard children & a youthful needs for gainful employment. David Hojak eventually resolved that he was being used AND misled, after which he vacated. Her every shot at reconnection found itself deflected. Ultimately, Hojak taught her that disloyalty changes lives. His lesson is apparently one she’s lived to the fullest, to this very day. Considering the severity & brutality of her dishonesty towards me while I was young… I’d truthfully hoped that the worse has come her way by now… and from what I’ve heard, that’s most definitively the case.

A few years past her, me and another came into contact… this time, having been introduced by a mutual friend of hers & mine. Though we lasted some years, again, my health became an issue. Even beyond her profession, love wasn’t enough. Truth be told, I just don’t think we were that into each other. Maybe we both held on longer because we felt bad. Though she was there for me medically, within-industry connections and on-the-spot transportation to sudden “charity” appointments resolved nothing. Mind you, I was unemployed at the time… no insurance… and I had private doctors caring for me neurologically. In our time together, I learned that one’s health can absolutely exhaust a partner’s emotional reserves. Though her charity practically preserved my life through those years, even our own time to separate came. She’s married since us, I believe.

“Love experience #2” involved our cooperation in-household, a momentary heart-stoppage scare/ongoing medical condition, and unfortunately, her alcoholism. Fun stuff. Though we loved each other aggressively at times… we did our best for each other in the ways we knew how to. Both of us ended up seeing jail time at a point, with both instances provoked primarily by her drinking. Eventually, I left, and she quickly remarried. In our time together I did my best to empathetically support her throughout her rapid-fire attempts at not drinking. She would do her best to call medical attention to my own emergencies when necessary. At one point, she was the driver in the car that got me to UCLA’s ER just before I flat-lined. The depths of what I was there to support her through don’t require mention. I did my best to reciprocate it all, everything she was (and has been) to me… and there for me through.

After her, “a quick long-term f°°k” summoned from a different part of California, and I beckoned the call. For three months, it was a non-stop fornication-fest. I’d overhear “kids, go play” speeches nightly from her bedroom… before we locked ourselves in there for hours, and proceeded to “play.” Details about her physicality overwhelmed me back then. I was no one to question, or resist, the sudden offer for a place to stay. It seemed as though aside from occasionally tolerating her children, my only real responsibility would entail sexual slavery… at her whim, no less. That all lasted for about a fiscal quarter. Ultimately, I had a health incident that motivated her to file a libelous police report/restraining order. A day came when police arrived and asked me to leave, after she’d disappeared for three-straight nights, without mention.

Quickly after her, a months-long stay with an uncle turned into a three-month hospitalization due to a broken arm. Later, a quick visit to Montana saw me unexpectedly “withholding” from “activity” with a particular female… based on her reputation, and her accumulatively embarrassing totality of produced children since I’d last seen her. In High School, she had none. Years later… now it was her, multiplied by six. I just couldn’t do it.

Years of state-to-state-to-COUNTRY-to-state home-hopping ensued thereafter. They all cared so much while considering so little, yet collectively, they helped so substantially… as much as each was capable of. Aunt, Uncle, Friend, Potential Business Partner, Old Buddy… hell, even possible new roommates presented themselves as “candidates.” Everywhere I looked or turned, disaster or aftermath ensued. If it wasn’t driven by the flurry of my medical condition’s physical toll on me… it was the homeowner’s or tenant’s reaction to actually seeing it, for themselves. Without a doubt, once they’d actually experienced “it” first-hand, each one wanted to be as far from “it” as possible. Whether it came to something as trivial as a friendship or as recreational as a romantic relationship… the play was simple: act, improvise, evade, overcome. I’d seen it in so many of these types by then… and I never expected anything more, from any of them.

The one who holds my heart now rescued me from the roommate situation I was in after I left Baja. By then, a dearly beloved friend had paid my rent for a full fiscal-quarter. To boot, I don’t believe she was doing so with her husband’s approval. Once I told her I was being rescued… she told me to keep their money, intended for my rent that month. They wanted me to put it toward my new home & the woman I was going to be staying with. Before I did, they saw my future coming… well in advance. Since making my way to her, not only has she rescued me… we’ve also married, vacationed, and seen so much of the world together already. Though her kids could like me more, I love her (and them) nonetheless, and I understand the youth contingent’s anger… though, I can’t help but win. I’ve learned that anger alone resolves nothing. WINNING IS THE ANSWER. Children learn.

When paired up with the one you truly belong alongside, nothing exceeds the satisfaction that lays within the entire experience. You’ll see things together that you’ve seen before, but will now somehow look at differently… all because they’re there for it. Fun, memorable times that you two share together can shape memories of times past, then foretell of potential future scenarios. Families on either side will only shamelessly be confident in sharing happiness for you with others… if even for the sake of simply “saving face.” Laugh it up, and congratulations. Through so little, and yet through so much… you’ll make it, too.

“… and on the plus and minus, it’s a zero chance of ever turning this around.”

~Chris Cornell