Rewind to 1993: David Hojak had just lost his most influential parent. The most striking point thereafter came just before his 16th birthday. He’d actually been “home,” relocated, for 3 months. Suddenly, it was birthday time, and a renowned harlot was somehow invited to the event’s small, secluded party. I’d never expected many of that night’s happenings to occur. My male “friend” (he’s really not) eventually left her there to “spend the night,” maybe as an act of revenge. Next thing you know, this aspiring “courtesan” & I are holed-up in my bedroom for seventy-two straight hours. She devoured my genitals for the duration of her first visit, and by that week’s end… I was meeting her mother.

Then, came my nearly-eight hellacious years with her.

Sure, we’d have our “good” times…… though, within two years of David Hojak calling her his “partner,” her unfaithfulness showed through in spades. Now, I’d seen before that she wasn’t someone trustworthy… but could she help me evade my broken home?? Throughout the first year of my mother’s sorrow-driven alcoholic plunge, this girl offered supportive oral sex. As such, I’d go on to show her the same “level of performance”… though, you couldn’t pay me to “face that” these days.

Throughout our time, I learned about (and was repeatedly reminded of) how to handle & endure dishonesty in a relationship. These “tests” repetitiously “offered” themselves. A great example of this was the first time she offered me a chance to have a “ménage à trois.” New to me, this would involve a third-party, within the confines of our own “relationship”. I was a kid…. I knew no better. Back then & at first, it was a fantasy to me…. now, America Online‘s dial-up service was going to make that testosterone-optimized, femme-filled illusion a real possibility.

Over three years, we had these types of relations with different women I won’t name. Each time, “she” ultimately became withdrawn from these instances… especially once it became obvious to her that I’d “learned” how to satisfy, beyond her. It was as though she suddenly noticed all the worst angles. She finally had to acknowledge what she’d made me endure in our time together. In finality, I can’t perceive how she didn’t realize we’d come to an end so quickly. After that thousand-day run, it was “no more including other women”… especially once they showed interest in just me.

Now, onto sudden teenage step-fatherhood……

Though it’s biological father is at the most elite levels of all cºcksuckers, I actually raised his child, this child… for nearly a decade. I worked to support it, I bought it clothes, I fed it & then presented it to the world. I purchased my first car, not so that I’d be capable of getting to work… but so my girlfriend’s child had a ride to school. Even though I’d been doing hard, physical work since I was 14… I put family first, even when a family wasn’t “mine.” Concrete, sledgehammers, bricks & wood filled some work days of mine. A comfortably safe home, a full fridge & new clothes were there for her child in whatever way she required.

She ended up thanking me in the end by giving another guy a child during our relationship… then trying to cheat again after that. Given their “motherly example”, I feel terrible for her children. I know what it’s like to grow up with parents as unmotivated & recreationally self-destructive. I’ve learned that familial honesty goes so far. As well, I’ve also learned that Karma is absolutely real. In each of their childhood instances, I feel sympathy & sorrow. Unfortunately, in their adult lives, I also foresee hardship & misery… unless they achieve psychological independence, somehow.

The saddest, and most heartbreaking part of all… is at one point, these children called ME “Daddy.”

The oldest one & I “tried to” talk years ago. Back then, I got the impression that she has little-to-no gratitude for what I’d given of myself to her upbringing. Considering who “Mommy” is… I’m not surprised. Even though “her “mom” is a repulsive example of disgustingly dishonest female… the woman’s first-born seemed happy to “accept that,” even when offered an alternatively honest, caring stepfather. I’ve said it before & I’ll say it again… as a compassionate human, you can only care so much without seeing it reciprocated or acknowledged.

In the instance of the second child, this one actually came out of the womb looking nothing like me. Now, I knew by then that my reputedly-whorish “other half” had wandering eyes, but then upon independent relocation… I never thought her crotch would wander the same way (… and so carelessly, at that). Inconveniences presented early in life by her infidelity became greater emotional & psychological burdens. It didn’t take long before I “realized” that her second-born child wasn’t mine. “Child support” ceased, David Hojak relocated, communication was cut-off & life carried on.

When the child turned 17, it found me via a social media site & approached me about it being mine. Naturally, it wanted to know. We communicated briefly & it mailed me a DNA test kit. Our samples collectively proved that it was not my child. Though I’ve tried reaching it since the test’s findings, it has demonstrated no interest in mutual communication. I don’t blame it, honestly. By the time I was involved in this grown human’s life… not only had it taken enough time to grow into a new family… but it’s whore mother’s infidelity had been given time to “process” within me.

Nonetheless, I’ll always love these two children… while to them, memories of my presence in their lives will be minimal, if at-all existent. Two decades later, the kids are grown and we haven’t talked in years. Last I heard, their “Mommy” is toothlessly decaying, homelessly dying, & miserably existing. Meanwhile, despite my own family deaths/nearly dying myself/hardships *since*, regardless of health or employment, I’ve withstood… and I haven’t reached out to any of them. I’ll never need to. Whether or not the youngest underling ever acknowledges that I played “Daddy” to it in their infancy, means nothing. Whether the oldest & I ever talk again is irrelevant. I’ll always love them.

“Down and out with everything to lose… If these long dead wishes ever do come true...”

~Chris Cornell