During his youth, realizations that David Hojak’s life was more complicated than that of others came quickly. It wasn’t long before he realized that his own parents stayed up way too late… that their friends came over regardless of time of day or night… and that friends of theirs, although afflicted, did their best to “mask problems” by way of a child-friendly approach. At a point, “honesty” to their children just wasn’t as consequential as somehow coming up short on a drug deal. Early on, I realized where I was, and where my sister & I stood among it all. Soon after that early-childhood realization occurred, I knew I inevitably faced a harsh reality.
I was staring down at my own father’s body, laid-out in a casket… and growing up on my own wouldn’t be easy, given where it’d all started.
Starting out my adult life semi(mostly)-independently… a girlfriend & I moved from one side of my valley, to another… to a neighborhood that was WAY shittier than where I’d lived before. Prior, though I’d loved living so close to where my father was buried throughout my late teens, responsibility called. Considering also that by then, Mom was a full-blown, high-proof drunk… my time to leave had come. I couldn’t just watch Mom kill herself… and I’d met this new woman. New woman had also absolutely blitzed me with at-the-time unfathomable oral sex for a birthday, just one year prior. She & her child then stayed with our family for a year, during which the oral copulation onslaught continued… until my very next year’s birthday. As soon as I was free, my wings spread & I took the f°°k off from home… even though I knew I was headed straight for a wall.
The only thing that our luxurious one-bedroom in the ghetto afforded us was grocery store locality. We were always close to her little one… who I raised as my own for as long as her & I were together. We had our fun via occasional introductions to new women, who we’d mutually “play with.” But then, David Hojak had to forgive her for cheating on him… mainly because he couldn’t go home, as his last living parent was back there recreationally killing herself.
Though this unfaithful harlot tried earning his forgiveness by offering up “Ménage à trois” opportunities, they didn’t appease for long. As he took youthful advantage of the opportunity to “survey variety,” she again would take multiple cracks at infidelity… and this is why, in the end, that wh0re got left behind.
Though incident after catastrophe after outright devastation somehow seemed to occur in a synchronized pattern over time, I withstood. Child aside, her doings were her own. Even throughout her claim that a child she bore during our relationship was actually mine, I remained emotionally hardened. I had to. For years, I in-house-supported, then post-relationship, I financially “supported” “my child.” That first relationship taught me so much about enduring dishonesty, defying mistrust, evading predispositions & mutuality in all things.
Henceforth, when referencing my childhood ho (makes sense, since my name is Hojak), we’ll consider her “Woman #1.” The next one that mattered the most was “Woman #3,” without question. #1 & I were together as my own health deteriorated, and she stood by me. Then, I would counsel and cradle her. She’d desperately admit to me that she didn’t think she’d actually be capable of putting down drinking. Back then, I was her only friend… and she was the best of mine. Having watched Mom commit liquid suicide, admittedly, I didn’t have the heart to commit to what she was afraid of becoming. It got to a point where she began involving law enforcement, and I drew the line. It broke my heart to have to get away from her, but it was inevitable.
We’ve stayed in touch over the years. She’s helped me whenever I’ve asked without questions since we’ve been apart. Without a single doubt, I will always love her. The sad fact that our malfunctions aren’t compatible is as unfortunate as Pluto’s situation with the Sun. To each other, appeal from afar is imminent… but close-quarters proximity has potential to be disastrous. And even though it looks better, as you get closer… it’s one of those things that only becomes more & more dangerous. The inevitability of the negativity’s potential there is capable of diminishing so much. Yet, it’ll never stop me from remembering her for the best times we shared.
Within months beyond her… life’s next chapters offered “Fun-Runs” with “sweethearts of yesteryear,” and occasional long nights out by myself… along with a habitual focus on my career (… if even momentarily, at times). The urge to enjoy as much of my active repositioning in life as possible struck. Time I spent became mine. Sometimes I’d travel, sometimes I’d outright seek opportunities in new locations altogether. It bounced me all around the country… from state, to state, to state… if even, just to visit friends. Sometimes it was for work. Sometimes I needed a place to “crash.” Wherever I was, I never positioned myself uselessly, and I always contributed household-wise.
In the decade “after her,” I saw California, Tennessee, Arizona, Michigan, Wisconsin & Nevada… not including the cross-country road trip from Detroit to Vegas. After, I moved to Texas (still, Go Packers), to Baja, then again, back to California. I also stopped in Washington to see Chris Cornell’s posthumous statue… then Montana, to eventually (yet suddenly) reject another “could’ve-been” girl from High School. I tried to reduce time spent with anyone else as much as possible. While actually still in Vegas, I rarely wanted anything to do with anyone… even neighbors. During my experiences there, I met two people that much of America, by now, will know of. My time there was mainly spent in front of a computer, or taking pictures of places. On weekends, I smoked as much marijuana as possible, and ate healthily. Truthfully, my priorities became to avoid Nevada’s hellacious weather as much as possible, and continue earning. By God, I did not want to be there as long as I was… ESPECIALLY considering who I’d arrived with.
I endured the job… because I wanted to see the woman who’d sheltered me for so long enjoy herself while she was “out West.” Suddenly, a neurological medical emergency (back then) cost me the job I’d relocated to Nevada for. It also precluded what would end-up being her “exit strategy”… which, over the next several months, became most obvious via her slow & irrationally emotional withdrawal. Then, there was her sudden consistency in dissatisfaction, her radically-alternating moods, and the entirety of her psychological inversion. Once she left me high & dry in Nevada (no pun intended)… I relied upon family & friends for some years. That, too, went disastrously. She wanted to go home. So, she did…
…without me knowing.
For years after her, I bounced between states, and even technically countries. I bounced from friend to friend to friend like a goddamn ball. I was randomly invited to locale after locale, seeking only momentary stability. Yet, at the same time, I knew my health was a ticking time-bomb. I’d seen no medical reprieve, despite multiple surgeries, several hospitalizations, and a multitude of called-in emergency requests via accidents. The last place I was, before now-wife & I reunited, had me living with more than ten people. I’d fallen off a top bunk-bed, in my sleep (nearly a six-foot fall), and split my eyebrow open. It resulted in a concussion & required six stitches. It was during my recovery from that injury that it dawned on me… I should call “now-wife” to check in & “see how she’s doing.” She was excited to hear from me, happy I’d reached out to her… and eager to tell me about how happy she wasn’t. Once my own “updates,” were revealed, we were together within days. We haven’t been apart since.
Where you end up will ultimately either satisfy you, drive you mad or make you miserable. Strive for the most optimal end-result you envision for yourself. Reach the home-stretch of your own decades-long life happily, satisfied & experienced. Give your younger relatives someone to look up to. Offer them someone they’ll have fun with… someone that they’ll happily want to see. Influence their memories as positively as you can. Stand out as that one “friend” who’s always been there the best way they can be, as positively as possible. Appreciate them while you can, and love them all as much as you know how to.
“Whomsoever I’ve cured, I’ve sickened now… and whomsoever I’ve cradled, I’ve put you down.”
~Chris Cornell
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